merry christmas and a happy new year to everyone

!

In the houston international airport

Traveling by plane, in all its irritation is really fun! I am excited beyond excited to go home, see my friends and family and work on my application essay to UT, well more like application essays since there are two essays. Oh the ramblings of rambling women, what would bob dylan think about me now? ( well I doubt he would have much to criticize since he made his xmas album >.<
Since I have seen more interesting things in the past 2 hours then I had ever seen in the past 2 months I think that is sufficient enough of a reason for me to report these random observations. I wish there were pictures to back up all that I saw:
2 two different group of guys in Bermuda shorts- save by the bell style....finish up later ...cynthia just called

it started snowing yesterday sometime around .....11

There is a definite thin blanket all over the house, and I am all giddy at the prospects of winter wonders!!!
writers block sucks
=(
jackie joy

Waiting
written by: Jackie Joy
The puff of the cigarette smoke
fills the air
seeps into the clothes
of the unwilling
passer byers
streaming
engulfing the souls
dead from reality

Life not determined
not existence
to be alive

Held hostage
the minds
of yesterday
bind in
300 pgs
textbooks
with glossy covers
black and white
pages
sold for a buck
in the bottom of the dusty box
somewhere in the back
of the garage

i before e except after c

the whistle of the
tea pot crescendo….ing
deafening
a far
in the distance

Heart beats
pump
blood
travel
through the
veins of the
reluctant
filled with
dead
eyes
all stars
gone

held life
in the map
of
whomever
severs
at the hand of
God
.sigh.

Sometimes I feel like I am missing something in my life

I can never be satisfied in the direction my life is going, even if it is going as it is planned. I want to silence this restlessness in my soul and just be free.
just be happy
just be me and be ok.....
it takes time though and everything will be.....
i love jason mraz's cd
i feel like today was wasted....
in bed
dreaming of you
and your strong arms
and of the what if's that will never happen
.....
off to study <3
-----
jackie joy

I want to remember all the good times i used to have with you

I want to remember the feeling I used to get
when my heart skipped a beat
and my adrenaline started rushing
while a big high of ecstasy would then overcome me
just by you giving me a quick kiss before you
would run of to god knows where
or
all the times we would lay in bed together
just cuddling
because we were to poor to go anywhere
and to lazy to get out of bed
or the times
when we didnt argue
we didnt talk
but just sat there
eating
smiling at each other cause we
knew
we just knew
but i cant help to think
i was to naive
to blinded
at the time
cause those were the feelings
that kept me alive
that kept me wanting you
loving you
I was strong
dont get me wrong
but when the bad out weighs the good
and there are more days of sadness
then happiness
you just know
that maybe
just maybe its not worth it remembering all the good times
i used to have with you
.....
free lance.....written in like 4 minutes
jackie joy

I am going to stop wishing

wishing, dreaming, pondering, wondering, are all nice but not realistic to what is going on with my life. There is a definite someone new in my life that I am starting to like more and more everyday, but I can't wish for something more to happen between us because I am tired of disappointment from falling for people who aren't just into me. I am over my ex but I have not forgotten about all he did that hurt me and broke me when I needed someone to help me be better. I have been guarded since the break up, and being very cynical when it comes to men/boys. I am letting go of my crossed fingers behind my back when I am with my crush and just letting go to see what happens.
the last two days were torture, and I am trying so hard not to break completely and go certifiable crazy. family drama is by far the worse drama and because of my past of having two different personalities, one with my family and one with my friends is starting to take a tool on me. But in all reality when I tried to merge both it had ended up being more of a mess and just to much to clean up. I feel like I cant date anyone even casually with all the things that are going on with my life. I wouldn't even date me, let alone ask myself out on a date. This outer shell that many people have seen around me is just protecting myself and everyone else around me from getting sucked into the blackhole that I am already in.
the biggest dork in the greater el paso area
Jackie Joy

there are sweettart chews now...

Fall,Halloween, temperature changes and candy up the whazoo oh how I love the change in seasons, I have recently reconnected with an old friend, we met when we were both young and i was naive and completely and utterly sillier than i am now. I am genuinely surprised in a very good way how we still can talk like we stopped talking two weeks ago and not years ago. As the semester is closing in, I so cant wait till thanksgiving break ....for some much needed r and r! I have been filling up my days with studying, learning, typing, writing, working hard in trying to get good grades. I have made some friends here and I am so grateful for their patience and understanding when I would go crazy over things. Life is hard, its full of ups and downs, but i realized never give yourself ultimatums because if you break them you end up the most disappointed.
Jackie Joy
ps sorry for the short blog im pretty sleepy

Doing some soul searching

will report back when I find anything that is of any interest.
<3
Jackie Joy

Witty, Insightful and a Literary Rock Star in my book

A night with Daniel Handler aka Lemony Snicket author of the Series of Unfortunate Events

While most of El Paso citizens were out and about on this semi good weather Saturday night, I, Jackie Joy, braved all circumstances and walked 30 miles in heels to see, hear and maybe touch the author of the critically proclaimed author,somewhat cynic, always hilarious, once under a pseudonym Lemony Snicket, Daniel Handler at the Plaza Theater in bustling downtown El Paso, Texas. Well, I might have exaggerated a tad on the circumstances of how I got to the Plaza Theater, but its really all irrelevant to the star of this blog Daniel Handler and his amazing abilities to transform his ideas to words to books to well you get the point.
I arrived early as I always do when it comes to these kind of events, bought the tickets for a friend and I, and waited patiently, oh so patiently to see the man behind one of my favorite books that I read as a child. Also waiting in front of the theater was an infestation of bored parents and over hyped kids.
Sergio, my companion in my random recent El Paso adventures, finally arrived and the waiting continued. The whole week leading up to this night, I have been thinking of questions that I would want to ask Daniel Handler, all were well how should I put it very intriguing. For the life of me I could not think of a mind blowing question that did not sound like it came out of a interview in Harper's Bazaar.
Eventually we were seated and in the theater and long and behold came out the infamous Mr. Handler. From reading his books, his presence was exactly how I imagined it to be like. His voice boomed through the theater and the lecture was interesting, amazing, compelling, and just plain wow. Here are some interesting main points from his lecture:
1. He plays the accordion.
2. He is hilarious
3. He threw books that he didn't like when he was little against the walls of his room.
4. Lemony Snicket came about from a fluke conversation with a Republican while he was working in the Computer Department of the City College of San Francisco
5. He is witty.
6. He is really down to earth and is not pretentiously snobby from the fame he has acquired from his books.
There is more to be said about the lecture, but its really something that you had to be there to really appreciate and understand. Afterwards, Sergio and I waited for about an hour to get our books signed and to take pictures with Daniel Handler. We ended up to be the last ones to get our books signed and due to all the excitement, I can't really remember clearly what exactly I had asked him last night. What I do remember asking him were really silly questions which I am sorry Mr. Handler if you thought I was crazy for asking you:
1. If you wanted to go eat Whataburger with us? ( he said no)
2. If you knew Amy Tan ( he said yes! and they are friends!)
3. If he played for the Rock Bottom Remainders ( again he said yes)
All the other questions were a blur, and the picture is priceless. Last night by far was one of my happiest days of my life, top ten for sure.
Till I write again,
Jackie Joy

I love sitting outside at night

I love sitting outside at night in the back patio of my aunts house and watch the clouds slowly pass by the mountains. The presence of time doesn't seem to exist and all is left is the present, the now, the it. That is when I feel at the up most ultimate peace, when I am with nature. Its something I can't really explain, and I wish I could bottle up this peace and share it with all the ones in my life who are in desperate need of it. The week is almost over, and I think all the over thinking has driven me to the brink of insanity.
There is nothing else I can think of writing about, my mind is not awake, my soul is still asleep, and I am here dreading the long day ahead.
Jackie Joy

Future Plans-Completly tentative

I really envy those who know what they want to do with their life, who have their life all planned out. To be more specific I really envy those who are lucky enough to find a career that they aspire to be and find a degree that goes directly into achieving their dream of being in that career.Since deciding not into going into the medical field, I have been up in arms in pure confusion of what I should do with my life. I know what I want to do, but there is not for the most part a degree plan and a path already made out for me by other people who have aspired to be now hold on to your beautiful britches, because besides a few of my close friends and family, I have not really told many people what I really really wanted to do as a career. I want to head a N.P.O( none profit organization) specializing in helping battered, abused, sexually assaulted women, children and homosexuals in lower social economic areas of the United States. That or join the circus and be a clown. I kid, I kid, but with the education I hope to receive will help to educate women and children to be strong and independent and tools to be successful in their life.
I don't know if my dreams are ambitious or just plain silly. But as far as I am concerned I hope, wait cross out hope and put in will, I will get a degree in psychology with a minor in English, take 2 years in the Peace/Ameri Corps and either receive my masters through them or get the money to go to a really good school for my masters, establish connections in a city in need of N.P.O and work on my P.H.D while opening up or working for a N.P.O
Those are my dreams, the stars I want to reach, I am not asking for a million bucks, or to be famous, I just hope to make a real positive change in the world.
Jackie Joy

Writers Block

Its going around, and I have definitely have gotten the best of it. Which is horrible, if you have to write papers for a class and not just for fun.
sigh
Jackie Joy

poem

Sand in the bottom of my purse-dedicated to Anthony Liberati
I found sand in the bottom of my purse
from that one day
last summer
when the weather was just right
and we grabbed our swimsuits
the ultimate mix tape
and drove 85 mph
on the express way
with the windows down
wind blowing in our hair
without a care in the world

the sky was clear
the sun was welcoming and warm
as we got closer and closer to the beach
the stickiness of humidity
was all over us
pushing us to just
want to take off all our clothes
and jump into the ocean

the emotions washed over us
like the waves crashing against the shore
and next thing you knew
we were in our swim suits
holding each other’s hand
and embracing
the inevitable first
jump into the water

I smiled when I found that sand
in the bottom of my purse
from that one day
last summer
and remembered how we
were
and how much I miss you

There is something to be said about October

The year is quickly coming to a end, and oh how time flies when you are having fun. 3 years ago, if you would have asked me hey Jackie, one day you are going to be living out of your house and going to school in El Paso, I would have laughed at you and changed the subject. But doesn't that just trip you out, that the most memorable moments in your life are the ones that you least expect it? I don't feel rooted to a certain person, place or thing. So I wonder if that is a bad thing, to not feel rooted, to know that I will be ok in any place I move to even if I am 1 million and 2 miles away from every I care and love. I guess with modern technology, it softens the blow of distance between me and loved ones. I love the phone calls from my friends, while I am sitting outside in my backyard looking at the decent of clouds floating by and as the day turns to night. As the night air engulfs me, cradles me in some of my recent tribulations, I thank God, for the support system I have that lift me up even when I feel I cant seem to want to move. I have no regrets of the decisions that have lead me to where I am at now, I have made mistakes, there is no doubt about it. But, I have come to peace with the past, I have drown strength from it, and realized that I am who I am, I am not perfect and still have problems and bundles of stuff I need to work on.

Now the hard part is finding peace with the present and embracing the very unpredictable future.

Jackie Joy

If you knew how I really was would you still talk to me?

Ha! This is not really a blog about that, although that is a great subject for a blog. Tricked you didn't I? So I am guessing you are wondering what this blog is going to be about if it was not about who I really was, well this blog is about the movie Love Happens.

Love Happens- Jackie Joy's movie review

thus the ever so corny lovie dovie picture =>

If you guessed that I was going to write about the movie then hooray for you, you deserve a prize which once I get a million and two bucks I will fly a plane or drive a car or walk to you and give it to you, haha.

This movie was a wonderful heartfelt movie, about the reality of the struggles of loosing someone you love from death and trying to move on. Its realistic, in a sense, that the premise of the two main characters relationship is not instant. There is sparks but the relationship that they build is not based on love but on friendship and understanding of each others strength and weaknesses. It is definitely worth the watch and it might seem slow to some but the storyline is not the basic storyline of boy meets girl, boy and girl falls in love, boy and girl argue, boy and girl break up, boy and girl get back together. The simplicity of the story is so basic that it seems truer to what life is. Meeting someone who changes the rest of your life does not mean unquieted love, but really trying to understand that other person, building something that will last a lifetime not something that will last a couple of days. That is what Love Happens is, a film about a boy and a girl who are just trying to figure this thing called life out.

Jackie Joy

Sorry for lack of posts

Sorry everyone for the lack of blogs lately! I know everyone is on their pins and needles wondering what crazy antics I have gotten myself into lately. But things have been pretty mellow on this side of the computer screen and haven't had really anything to report about. I am watching right now the motorcycle diaries while studying for my first exam on monday for government. I have decided that Gael Garcia Bernal is so sexy ....I can just watch him all day!
other movies that he was amazing in were science of sleep and y tu mama tambien.
I want to watch all his movies
yummy
Jackie Joy
PS I'll try to update more regularly =)

The yellow chair finds a home and I found my ultimate bliss!

Here is a story worth telling in all its glory! Earlier this afternoon while I was walking to my bus with Eddie, I passed the little hallway where the little chair was. I was pleasantly surprised, well more like ecstatic to see that the chair was still there. I knew then that the chair and I were meant to be! So I rolled it, with a little help from Eddie to the bus stop where I missed my bus by like street away. Eddie was going on about how people were going to think that I stole the chair, which by the way does not in any way shape or form look like it is worth stealing, so I got on the next bus hoping that the bus driver would let me take the chair onto the bus. I kid you not this is exactly what happened:
Bus driver: Hey, you know that there are chairs available here?
Me: I know, but this chair has a story
Bus driver: I bet it does, well its kinda crowded in the front but you can take it through the back!
Me(thinking yes yes yes!): Thank you so much
I then carry the chair up the steps in the back of the bus and get off the wrong bus stop and roll through this hilly area through the back somewhere by my aunts school. If there were stares I wasn't paying any attention to them, but besides that I got lost. I am the worse with directions, really really really bad with directions. Barrings/ sense of any direction and I are like water and vinegar, like Microsoft and Mac, we just don't seem to get it right. So I am there rolling the chair and asked a student
me: "hey how do you get to ___?"
student: oh, Ill take you
me: thank you
I wasn't that far, well I was far from the front but I figured getting through the back shouldn't be to hard. I carried the chair up this ridiculous long hill to get to a fence that is LOCKED! the fence was locked and these kids were jumping across like they were jumping on a bed. I just couldn't jump across but some kids and I were able to get the chair across. Then comes a teacher and the long awaited interrogation:
teacher: you know its dangerous to jump fences
me: i know
teacher: so is this your chair....
me( he is looking at me like I am a mad women with a crazy yellow chair)- yes I got it from school
teacher: do you go to college??
me: yes, do you happen to have the key to open the fence?
teacher: no are you sure this is your chair?
me: yes it was free
teacher who gave it to you?
me: it was sitting by the dumpster
,.....well you get the point, I embellished the story of how I got the chair but still I thought it was odd I was getting the third degree over a chair? He then goes back inside the school to get someone to open the door and 10 minutes later another teacher comes out who happened to have the key and opened it up for me! He didn't ask one question about the chair or the situation, so sweet, I might bake him cookies!
That was the end of my adventure of getting the chair home and my aha moment has definitely been accomplished.
Jackie Joy

I don't want to remember the details of my past just the feelings of that moment

Feelings and emotions at any given moment in my past hold more precedence in my life then most memories filled with mundane details. However, at the same time,the ones that hurt the most when remembered are the ones tucked away in a little corner of my mind, with a "do not disturb" sign on its door. You know when you close your eyes and you try to get away and think of happy moments in your past, happy moments you want to create and the feelings that you felt at a certain moment and it just makes reality so much easier to deal with. I am trying so hard right now to find that happy moment where I felt complete and ultimate bliss. Who am I kidding, I doubt I ever felt that, the awww yes this is the life moment. I have become very close it to, when I lay in the beach with a book and listen to the waves crash against the shore while I get lost in the book, or when I am with my friends and when we laugh about something, anything until we are rolling on the floor and our stomach hurts from all the laughter, or when I get a phone call from someone I really care about and the instant smile and warmth that fills my soul as I hear their voice..etc.Those moments are dear, dont get me wrong, and I treasure all of them, I really do, but its not it. Maybe I am going crazy, which could really be the case, because I am a bit odd, and all of this searching for oh my god pure happiness moment is silly because it just might be something that only happens once in your life, and I just havent had it yet.Just maybe.
----
Jackie Joy

I come to many conclusions on a daily basis

and since i might forget most of these conclusions or am due to repeat the conclusions i thought it was really good idea to write the ones that have been weighing down on my mind a lot out:

Conclusion number 1- I am in love and love the pirate. and the reality ( don't you just love the word reality and how it just stings and have such a bad connotation?) the reality is I can never tell him. I just want to drift away from all these emotions that are eating me up and forget about it all. I have tried to, but I cant help it, i am like a stupid moth to a flame. Please, for my sake, don't ask me about him or who he is, I am taking the reality at heart and going to move on.

Conclusion number 2- I will never be or strive to be "that girl". I have said it before, that I am never the type to attract people by my looks or grace besides the fact that i lack horribly both. I have become to attached to my core and feel like even if I wanted to change, I would be unable to.
Conclusion number 3-I feel like my life is finally starting to fall into place. I see where I want to go, where I am, and what I must do to get to the final mark of this race. I am happy despite it all. I do realize that emotions do change, and things might become chaotic as life sometimes does but I am willing for the first time in my life to take it on full force and make something out of it.

---
Jackie Joy

there was a yellow rolling chair

there was this yellow rolling chair, sitting idly in a little nook of a crowded school. and on this mustard like yellow rolling chair was a single little yellow post-it declaring "take-me". oh how the chair wanted to be away from that little nook of a crowded school and to feel the warmth of someones bottom on it once again. but its a lost cause because a wondering student who so wanted that chair did not have the heart to pick it up or even touch its magnificent beauty of a chair. she new the implications that would happen if she touched the chair or even sat on it, she was already falling in love with the yellow mustard circa 1980's save by the bell free chair. she saw herself pouring all her love into her books and writing in that chair! but, alas, this relationship would never be because the bus was bound to be to crowded for both the chair and the wandering student. they departed as many do, the chair left next to a over looked file cabinent in a little nook of crowded school and her off to the bus where she thought about the poor little mustard rolling chair all alone ...all alone.
the end
jackie joy

I dont know what direction this blog is going

I am not very talented in chronicling the day in the life of....well you get the point, plus right now with trying not to procrastinate on all my assignments for school, aka, the long tedious papers that are not in anyway fun to write, its hard to have time for entertainment/feelings writing. On top of all that I haven't really had the patience to sit in front of the computer to write anything worth reading or writing. I do though, have some serious thinking to do this weekend. I doubt besides tomorrow afternoon I am going to be going anywhere and most likely going to stay in and be a hermit on Saturday and Sunday. I am in serious jeopardy in becoming very redundant about my current predicaments, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and in the back of my throat the problems slowly but truly regurgitating and wham you will here it all from a to z and back to a! help! I don't want to be that person, that dwells on something so long that it feels like a over picked stab on your hand. I just want to resolve it all, maybe just maybe I am asking for to much here.
I am truly really really really really really really really really really really really sorry to all that have been caught in the current of all my current predictaments, the wave will pass or i hope so anyways...ekk..if not I guess I should say I am sorry ahead of time if you end up in the current.
dont really know where to end this so ill end it in this note:
"it's not love . I have been in love, but this is not the same thing. It is not my feeling, but a sort of force outside myself has taken possesion of me.I went away, you see, because I made it up in my mind it could never be-that such happiness does not exist on earth, do you understand? But I struggled with myself and realized there's no living without it." Anna Karenin-Tolstoy
Jackie Joy

time goes by slowly

oh so slowly
and i have major writers block
dudes
what am i going to do?
lol
dont answer that
jk
jackie joy

poem

I close my eyes
and i see you
driving with your windows rolled down
the stereo blasting in the distant
eyes fixed directly forward
to the paved road ahead
your mind is focused
your body is relaxed
all worries are gone
from your face
I want to stop time
and capture your emotions
and sell it
to all who is willing to buy happiness in a bottle
but you cant buy happiness
you cant buy love
you cant buy life
but people sure as hell try to buy all three
and fail
You are somewhere driving to your next destination
while I'm on the bus going to school
and I hear your voice speaking softly in my head
warming my soul
opening my heart
to emotions I never thought I could ever have again
I sit here writing this poem
and you are somewhere with someone else
to far away for me to want to imagine
I need a new plan of action
because I am to young and naive
the wounds are still fresh from the last
battle i fought for my heart
and being guarded has kept me
cold and my emotions in check
but
I will continue to ride my bus to school
listening to my zune
to drown out my emotions
that I have for you
while you drive your car
I will try my hardest not to
fall more in love with you
then I already am
damn

I love how music

can transform you metaphorically into a different time when things were harder or even yet when things were really good. As I sit here and continue typing, pouring out my random thoughts upon the screen, I think. I think back to the time when I had first put in that cd in to the stereo and how the music engulfed me. Music is a very powerful thing, my constant never failed companion next to books I dedicate this to the power of every keystroke every drum every forte every vebrato every stroke of the bow every blow of the horn. I dedicate this to the ever changing ever the same music of the world. May it inspire you drive you help you through the hard times help you understand the sad times and help you to enjoy the happy times ever more. This is to you music may you continue play on.